Tyler Clinton Roach
Jac gave the eulogy at Ty's memorial service on January 9, 1995
Tyler's life was way too short. Today would have been his two month birthday. Two months. Such a small amount
of time. An yet -- its difficult for me to remember a time before Ty.
But with a lot of effort and a lot of tears, I can remember last summer. We got a call from Kathryn and
Jerry Earle that eventually led to their asking us to adopt him. Three years ago, when we adopted our youngest daughter, Brigid,
who has Down Syndrome, we said that we were having our doption tubes tied. She was our last. How glad I am that those adoption
tubes came untied! We were cautiously excited about getting Ty all summer. We picked out a name and even though Rocket fever
was running high, we resisted the temptation to name him Olajuwon Tomjonavich. We liked the name Tyler and we loved the name
Ty and we thought that it woudl be easy for him to learn to write when he reached Debbie Thompson's class at Stuchbery Elementary.
And the name Clinon -- well, we love both the name and the man so that one was easy. His brothers sometimes called him TC
and, when they were around his conservative uncle, they called him Clinton -- loud and often.
But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I said we were cautiously excited. The caution was because birthparents
do sometimes change their minds. The Earles seemed to know their minds very well. We met with them several times during the
pregnancy and they invited us to be present for the birth. Shortly before the due date, I suggested that they have a fetal
echocardiogram done just to be sure that the baby's heart was all right. Her doctor felt it was unnecessary. An earlier ultrasound
had shown no defects. But the Earles persisted and were sent to another doctor to have the test done. It showed that there
were some problems and the doctor ordered a more extensive ehcocariogram with a pediatric cardiologist. I was there for that
test, which occurred only two days before Ty was born. I have had children with all kinds of problems, but I have never dealt
with heart problems. I immediately began learning this whole new alphbet. Ty had a VSD -- ventricular septal defect. He had
a AV commune -- an open between the ventricle and the atrium. He had a cleft mitral valve and a cleft tricuspid valve. Problems.
The cardiologist, Dr. Ayres, predicted surgery at 6 to 9 months. She was not alarmed. The was fixable. Years ago, they would
wait a few years to do the surgery, but they discovered that the heart responded better to surgery earlier. This was life
threatening only if we didn't do anything. But as long as he was checked regularly and took medication and eventually had
the surgery, he would have a long fun life. We did not despair over this news. We were thankdful that it was 1994 and such
procedures were almost routine and that we lived in Houston and that we had great insurance.
On the day that Tyler ended up being born, I woke up at 3:30 ini the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep.
I got up and did a little school work. At around 7:30, I got a call from the Earles saying that labor had started and they
were on their way to the hospital. I asked when the contractions started and I wasn't surprised when I was told they began
at 3:30 in the morning. Tyler and I already had this mysterious connection.
Tom and I have had a lot of babies before Ty -- our eight and then our foster babies, too. Most of the time,
when I first held a baby, I told him or her, "I'm so glad to meet you!" But with Ty, it was more like, "It's so good to see
you again!" It was like we had known each other for a long, long time already. When Jerry handed Tyler to Tom and said, "Congratulations!,"
Ty actually flashed a quick smile at Tom. I know you all think that babies don't smile when they are a few minutes old, but
you don't know Tyler Clinton Roach. From that day on, nearly every time Tom picked up Ty, Ty gave him one of those beautiful
smiles. None of you probably know that Tyler had a dimple. It showed only when he smiled and he always smiled for his daddy.
Ty did great in the hospital after he was born. The cardiologist said that it wouldn't last long because,
as his pulmonary function increased, he would begin to show the symptoms of his heart defects. We took Tyler home just two
days after he was born to the loving arms of his brothers and sisters. Ty just took over the house. One of the things I've
been struck by since his death is how every room of our house has Tyler in it. Every room has his swing or his bottles or
his bottle warmer or his lamb skin or one of his diaper bags or his little tiny diapers or his play gym or something! Ty took
over our hearts, too. I had forgotten how a baby rules your days and nights.
He got up often at night and every time I'd pull myself out of bed, I'd be so tired and then I'd pick him
up and he'd be so precious that I'd actually thank him for getting me up. His neck was so warm and we'd cuddle under one of
his big blankets and it was a special time. Not that I wasn't happy to occasionally share that special time with his dad on
the weekends, but I can say that never resented those night time feedings. They were a sweet time.
Ty did start to develop some problems with his breathing so we went to the cardiologist and she started
him on a diruetic and told us not to worry. It helped. Later, his heart began to beat wildly and the doctor put him on digoxin
and told us not to worry. That helped, too.
Tyler had a fun time at home. He went to Colin and Sean's soccer games. They are great big brothers and
they would often just come and ask if he could go to their room to play for awhile. Ty loved being with the guys. Megan wanted
to take him to school for show and tell, but she had to settle for a photo. Paul asked his teacher to show him how to write
Tyler's name. Brigid loved Tyler -- she didn't love him easy, she loved him hard. A hug would sometimes turn into a strangle
hold, but Ty didn't seem to mind, as long as we were always there to rescue him. We always were. In a way, it was heartening
to se Brigid go through so many of the typical signs of new baby sibling rivalry. She wanted to have a bottle and be cradled,
an activity for which she is usually much too busy. And I'm very happy that she got over the worst of that in the last three
weeks and was actually able to give gentle hugs and sweet kisses to Ty. I wanted to see them grow up together. Brigid would
have been a great role model. She still will be, but just not for Ty.
Tyler had great Godparents -- Rex and Susan. They loved him a lot. Susan's house was his second home. He
was lucky to have a grandma and grandpa who loved him and that greatest of all thing in our family -- a Mamoo, who found Tyler
irresistible.
Because of his heart problems, Ty didn't grow much during his little life. He took in a decent number of
calories, but all of his energy went into running his little heart, just surviving, so there wasn't a lot left over for making
fat cells. And his muscle tone was very low, but that didn't bother any of us. It just made him all the more cuddly. Cuddly
was definitely Tyler's strong suit. He loved to be held. When Tom or I would hold him whle we watched television, we would
find that we couldn't look at the screen because Ty wanted our eyes. He could lock into your eyes with such a power that he
didn't need to use his mouth to talk. Those eyes said it all.
Tyler had a wonderful first Christmas. He was the hit of our annual Christmas breakfast. He was helf by
so many people that morning that I thihe was sore from it. He went to the school parties that I was in charge of and he was
popular there, too. He stayed on a little pouch in front of me and he loved that. On Christmas morning, his big sister Kendra
brought him down the stairs to see what Santa had left him. Santa was very good to him. I think was Megan who pointed out
that it wasn't exactly fair (6-year-olds have a very strong sense of what's fair) because Ty had to good for only six week
to get his stuff and she had to be good the whole year. I think his best present from Santa was a doll that has Down Syndrome.
Tyler died on Friday. On the Saturday before, we had gone to the pediatrician because Ty had a slight fever.
With any other child, it would not have been something to call the doctor about, but Tyler was special so we called. It turned
out to be the best thing because we met our new pediatrician, Dr. Gant, that day. Because of insurance changes, we had to
stop seeing the pediatrician that all my children have seen for 21 years, Dr. Truitt. It was devastating for us to have to
leave him for an unknown doctor. But Dr. Gant was wonderful from the start and I'm so glad we got to meet her that day. She
ran tests to see if Ty had an infection, but he didn't. We made an appointment to come in Friday for his two-month check-up.
On Wednesday, he went to the cardiologist. She said his heart had major defects that had gotten worse as his heart had enlarged,
but she was not alarmed. She said we might do the surgery in March.
Thursday night, Tyler slept all night. Of course, if you're a parent, you probably remember the first time
your baby slept through the night and the absolute panic with which you awoke. I woke up at 3 and checked on him. He was fine.
Because of his heart prems, he made noise when he breathed so he was easy to check on, right there in our room. I touched
him to be sure he wasn't feverish. He was cool. Tom and I started getting the kidlets ready to go to school a little after
6 and Ty slept through all that. He'd move his head back and forth, but he didn't wake up. When Tom got back from taking the
kids to school, we started getting ready to go to the doctor for Ty's 2-month check-up. I woke Tyler up at 7:45. I lay him
on the bed to change his diaper and Tom knelt down beside him to talk to him. But Tyler wasn't his usual self. His eyes were
wandering and as he tried to lock into Tom's gase, it was fleeting. He couldn't quite control his eyes. Tom said, "I don't
like the way his eyes look. My baby's just not quite right this morning." I agreed, but we'd be at the doctor's office thirty
minutes and we'd get her to check. His little belly felt a little arm, but his feet were very cold, even though he had on
a sleeper and had been under his dinosaur blanket. His breath was cool. I sat down with him on our love seat in our room where
I nearly always sat to feed him and I gave him his morning meds. He sucked on the eyedropper and I told Tom his suck was good.
Maybe his eyes didn't look right just because he was still sleepy. I knew he'd be hungry so I gave him his bottle and he took
a cou0ple of sucks and then pushed it out with his tongue. I put him up on my shoulder and at that moment, his body died.
Because of his huge heart, I could physically feel his heart beat against my chest when I helf him. His breathing was noisy.
There was no gradual realization that he wasn't breathing. It was immediate. I knew. And in my heart, I knew he was gone forever
at that instant. I told Tom to call 911 and I started infant CPR. There was never any response. I have never given mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation to a real person before and, at first, I thought he was making a little sound, but I soon realized that it was
just the sound of my breath coming back out of his body. I closed his little eyes. I kept giving him CPR untl the paramedics
arrived. There were seven of them in our bedroom, many with tears in their eyes. Soon 2 neighbors came in and I called my
best friend, Susan, and she got there quickly. Eventually, we went to the hospital in the ambulance. They worked on Tyler
tirelessly, but there was never any response. After we got to the hospital and a few minutes had pass, they "called" the death.
I don't know what time the death certificate will say that Tyler died, but I know when he left his body because he was in
my arms. Dr. Gant came in to give us the official word and she held Tom and me in her arms and cried as hard as we did. She
was wonderful. The hospital let us hold Tyler after he died. Susan went to the schools and got Colin and Sean and they also
got to hold him and say goodbye. Holding Tyler in the hospital was a special gift. He looked just like a little sleeping Tyler.
His little hands were still perfect. His hari was sitcking out everywhere, so beautiful. We all held him and rocked him and
kissed him and said goodbye to the little body, knowing his spirit was still with us. But oh, how we miss that little body.
We got Megan out of school and told her about Tyler. She did not want to accept it. She looked all
over the house for him. She still insisted for a long time that he wasn't dead. You see, Megan likes to get her way and we
think that she thought that is she said it long enough and loud enough, then he would be alive.
I didn't know if Paul would even understand what dead meant. I told him and he immediately explained it.
He said, "Tyler baby is sick. His head hurts. He go doctor. He go hospital. Police come. Tyler baby not come home." He repeated
it many times and he understood on some level.
People always say that losing a child is the hardest thing you'll ever go through. You hope you
never do have to go through it. You may think you know what it's like, especially if you've lost someone you love. But if
your parent died or your brother or sister or friend, the grief is horrible, but when people tell you that it can't compare
to losing a child -- believe them. It can't. The depth of this sadness is immeasurable. It's so deep. And so relentless.
I just want to hae Tyler here for two more weeks. Two more days. Two more minutes. I just want to look down in the crook of
my arm and see those little shining eyes smiling up at me. Those little eyes are now helping someone else to see and that
is one of Tyler's legacies. I want to smell him again. For the last three days, I've been carryng around his last crib
sheet and the last two sleepers he wore, but now they are starting to smell more like salty tears than my little son. I
want to feel the warmth of his neck and the feel his breath on my cheek.
I like to look for the positive in any situation and if Tyler had to leave us, he did choose a lovely way
to do it. Tom was home that morning only because I had surgery just before Christmas and was not yet up to running the house
alone. I can't imagine how this all would hae been if I had had to call Tom at work to tell him or if I had to go through
it alone. All the other kidlets were at school so they didn't hae to see all the panic of the morning. He didn't suffer. He
didn't die alone. H died in his mother's arms with his daddy at his side. A lot of good things, but they all end with -- but
why did he have to die at all?
This baby was so loved and lots of people have said that these last few days. He was so lucky to be part
of a family who loved him so much. But Tyler Clinton gave as much as he got. He loved all of us so much. He was an amazing
little son. He was my son shine. I wanted to watch him grow up. I could see him learning to walk, riding his first bike, winning
a race, holding hands with a girl, working on math problems, just all the growing up stuff. I wanted so much for him. We all
did. People say he didn't live long, but he lived a whole lifetime. Tyler's lifetime.
And now I'm the one with a hole in my heart.
